Lonely Nights

It’s not right how all the sorority girls are going to their beds at 9 p.m. o’clock, and I’m left to endure the cold winter nights of Ithaca alone.

— J.S.

Ants in my Pants

Hey, it’s Friday. We, the Sun columnists and editors, are mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.

That means we get to... KVETCH!

Beer for Swine

Dear freshman girls who crashed our party, snuck down to our basement, stole our good booze (in a hidden fridge! In the basement! Who does that?!) and gave me the swine: I will find you, you classless hos. And then I will keeell you.

— J.B.

Pick Me Up

F**k TCAT and its student discrimination! I’ve been ignored at the bus stop for the fourth time at Linn Street. If TAs can’t get to class on time, what’s the point of students being on time? TCAT, we’re not sub-human because we live off campus. I swear. I pay the same that students pay for the bus: So, please, pick me up. Please.

— F.L.U.

Computer Crash

March Away

What is up with March being the new February? Doesn’t March know it’s supposed to be the beginning of the dawn, and not just cold-as-shit version 2.0? March should know that I HATE February. If February were a movie it’d be Gigli. If February were a state, it’d be West Virginia. If February were an Ivy, it’d be Brown.

— M.S.

Look at Me

I can’t believe Facebook doesn’t let me write on my own wall anymore.

If I can’t admire my striking good looks every time I change my default, who will?

— J.D.B.

I’m Allowed to be Loud

Oh, I’m sorry, my dear. Was I bothering you? My fault, I assure you. Despite the phone call being one that could define my future, I really should have been more considerate of you.

Oy Vey

I know Mann Library is a wet dream of architecture and design nerds everywhere, but who decided that the stairs should be so thin? They’re big enough for approximately 1.3 people, or maybe two crackheads. And when I’m trying to find a study spot at 2 a.m., the last thing I want is to have to awkwardly squeeze past another crackhead.

— KW

Moan

In Yiddish, dank is the opposite of kvetch, and means “thanks.” Dank to Cornell for holding the first week of classes during Inauguration. Once I got past being bitter at not being able to go to inauguration and having school on MLK Day, I was able to see the positive side of things: not having two of my five classes this week because of Inauguration. So dank Cornell for keeping me in Ithaca while my profs woop it up in DC.

— JM

Both of my parents called me today. Not because they were concerned about their daughter, wanting to tell her how bursting with pride they are at my mere existence. They wanted to talk about the weather. “Oh, it’s an uncomfortable 80 degrees here, sun shining, not a cloud in the sky ... How’s it there?”

Very funny, Dad.