No, I’m not writing this because I’m going through some major all-consuming breakup. It’s just that after years of writing columns about dating and relationships, I’ve realized something. Despite all of my dating and relationship experience, and all that I have learned from it, I really don’t know all that much. I still find myself surprised and confronted by new problems and experiences all the time. And, as long as I’m being honest, the relationships I see on The Hills still seem kind of realistic to me, so I know I’ve definitely got some more learning to do on the relationship front. However, while I have yet to uncover the key to romantic bliss, my experience hasn’t been a total waste.

Love is undoubtedly the most powerful force on Earth. Lovers have been known to schlep all the way from East Buffalo Street to Balch just to swap bodily drippings and infect each other with whatever microorganisms they might be carrying. Love compels otherwise logical and intelligent women to trample each other to death outside of bargain bin wedding dress sales, stuff themselves into Wonder­bras, and deny the existence of farts. Even more remarkable is love’s ability to transform the most rugged of men into eager lapdogs whose sole purpose for existence is to debate whether or not Jay is being faithful to Whitney on The City. By the way, if you ask me, Jay is totes playing Whitney and is going to hook up with Danielle next week.