Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): Lately, you have been causing people headaches and others will be left to be your Advil.

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): This week, your career options will leave you with a resume that is zanier than Kal Penn’s.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you will be feeling extra charitable and summarize all of your friend’s class reading. This will lead to a huge drop in next week’s charity.

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): Lately, you’ve been on top of your game because your sticking to your principles: always eat breakfast.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you need to reach out to others to show that you care. It’s never too early to send Valentine’s Day greeting cards to make a girl feel special.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, your relationship is going to start to resemble a phantom ghost. And it's spooky.

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): Lately, your hair has been growing at an alarming rate. This could only mean one thing: Your are a werewolf! (Cue howling). Or hitting puberty.

Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, you will act like a big man, which means you’ll just sit and be big.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you will cut out all the exclamation points in your life. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke!

Weren't we just taking prelims? Horoscopes for your Fall Break.

Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, you will ignore a good opportunity. You'll be kicking yourself later when she hooks up with your friend and she's awesome.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you'll feel nervous about an upcoming event. But everyone gets nervous clipping their nails- you'll make it out ok.

Horoscopes to help you celebrate Homecoming! (09/23-09/29).

Horoscopes after the Career Fair Madness has subsidded (09/16-09/23).

Horoscopes that you'll jive into next week with (09/09-09/15).